Happy St. Patrick’s Day

It’s Paddy’s Day today, so I want to wish all my readers a very Happy St. Patrick’s Day, or as Gaeilge, “Lá Shona Fhéile Pádraig duit”.

For all your American’s out there who want to get in on the act and proclaim to everyone how Irish you are, even if your ancestors are really Scandinavian Poles or something else equally Irish, please make sure you DO NOT wish everyone a Happy St. Patty’s Day. This serves to further highlight to the rest of the Irish community, and the world in fact, that you’re a fucking moron, and you’re about as Irish as sushi covered pizza!

Given that this is the day that everyone on the planet is “Irish”, I thought it would be fun to remind us of all the things that make an Irishman who he is. So let’s begin.

IRELAND  – It’s the only place where……..

  • When you were young, you went to bed when Glenroe was over.
  • If you die from alcohol poisoning, you’re considered a lightweight.
  • ‘Fuck off’ means ‘Are you serious?’
  • The person that you insult most is probably your best friend.
  • Saying ‘I will, yeah’ means that you definitely won’t
  • ‘Fuck it, sure it’s grand’ means that you couldn’t be bothered your arse to finish it properly.
  • ‘He’s fond of a drink’ means he suffers from severe life-threatening alcoholism.
  • Saying you’re going for ‘a drink’ means you might not be seen again for 3 days
  • Saying ‘I’m grand’ doesn’t mean you have delusions of grandeur, rather, it means you’re fine/OK.
  • Crisps are called ‘Taytos’ and fizzy drinks are called ‘minerals’.
  • ‘For the craic’ is the best reason or excuse for doing anything, ever.
  • The best cure for a hangover is more drink.
  • The second best cure for a hangover is a full Irish breakfast with rashers, sausages and both black AND white pudding.
  • A rasher is what the rest of the world calls “bacon”.
  • Nobody can go a day without saying ‘Jaysus’.
  • ‘Meeting’ has a double meaning (see the 7th point above).
  • Tea is the solution to every problem.
  • And water is the solution to every GAA injury on the field.
  • ‘I got stuck behind a tractor’ is a perfectly valid reason for being late.
  • We eat Tayto sambos for lunch, and ham sandwiches on the way to Croke Park.
  • You can insert the name of a gardening tool into any sentence and it still makes sense, e.g. ‘I had a rake of drink last night’ or ‘I’ll be out in a minute, I’m just shovelling down me dinner’.
  • GAA is considered religion.
  • It’s perfectly acceptable to swig from hip flask during a Rugby match.
  • It’s perfectly acceptable to call your mother ‘mammy’ even though you are a fully grown adult.
  • Saying ‘Now we’re sucking diesel’ means that you are happy with the outcome of the situation.
  • Drinking ‘tae’ is everyone’s favourite past time.
  • You’re scared of the wooden spoon.
  • The word ‘like’ goes in every sentence.
  • You can say ‘Any craic’ to a police officer and you won’t get arrested.
  • You never need to study for exams because your Granny lit a candle for you.
  • You thank bus drivers.
  • If you’re not drinking, then you must be on antibiotics.
  • Flat 7UP and/or Lucozade can cure any illness.
  • The first phrase in a new language most Irish children learn when they start school is “An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an leithreas”, which is basically asking for permission to go to the toilet.
  • Mothers would usually spout of wisdoms such as ‘If you fall off that wall and break both your legs, don’t come running to me’, or ‘Laughing turns to crying’.

Enjoy your pint, wee glass or your drop of the cratur and celebrate your inner Irishness today.


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