New Apple MacBook – No USB Ports

Giggles MemeMove over Hitler, there’s a new meme in town, and his rants will have you wetting yourself with laughter. Hot on the tails of the latest Apple Fanboy’s wet dream, the newest edition of the MacBook Air – whose main features include even more thinness (this is getting ridiculous now) and a distinct lack of USB ports (because of this über-thinness) – is this newest addition to the “rant” meme which features Spanish comedian Juan Joya Borja. Known in his native Spain as El Risitas, or “The Giggles”, for his distinctive laugh and long rambling tales, the video adopts the same style as the Hitler rants, where the voice is sub-titled with a funny, made-up story.

In this case, it’s a story about how Sir Jony Ive showed off the latest test model of the MacBook to Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, before it was completed. Cook, loving the sleekness and the lack of USB ports hurries it into production and the rest is history.

Shoulders shaking and wiping tears from his eyes, with his thick moustache and screeching laughter, Borja straightens up and slaps a table. “Wait! It gets better!” he cries. “It was so thin the battery wouldn’t fit inside! That’s all our customers need! I got promoted!”

The Hitler Rants, based on the movie Downfall, have become ubiquitous and have derived cult status on the internet. There’s barely a subject or celebrity that hasn’t been referred to or the subject of a Hitler rant. But it looks like there’s a new guy in town.

Hitler Pissed Off About iOS6 Maps

Hitler Apple MapsI love Hitler Rants, and I love bitching about Apple too. So imagine my joy when I saw this Hitler rant on the iOS6 maps, and how they just don’t work 🙂 Having recently updated Herself’s iPad to the most recent version with the same crappy Apple maps, I can completely understand his frustrations.

Below is a screenshot from Apple maps showing where it thinks the Spanish city of Valencia is. In case you were wondering, it’s where the blue dot is.

To see just how lost Steiner got, take at the video below 🙂

Apple Maps Valencia

Google Glass, Simply Amazing

Google Glass Brin

As someone who recently had LASIK surgery, and has been happily living life without glasses, I find myself in awe and willing to once again wear a pair of glasses after seeing the awesomeness of Google Glass. 

Put simply, the idea of the Glass device, at its most basic level, is wearable technology  that lets you see and interact with the world around you without disconnecting from it.

The Glass headset is designed to be out of the way so it doesn’t interfere with your activities. According to Google, it weighs less than most pairs of sunglasses. On the side is a touch pad for control, on top is a button for shooting photos and videos with the built-in camera, and there’s a small information display positioned above the eye out of the line of sight.

The actual details about the specs that have been released are pretty light, other than to say the Explorer Edition has a camera, multiple radios for data communication, a speaker and a mic, and a gyroscope so Glass can tell your position and orientation at all times.

The core of Google Glass is its tiny prism display which sits not in your eyeline, but a little above it. You can see what is on the display by glancing up. Going by its FCC filing this includes a Broadcom 2.4GHz 802.11 b/g Wi-Fi radio and Bluetooth 4.0 as well as bone-conduction speakers, which would keep your ears open to your surroundings, an embedded camera and a GPS.

Voice control is used to control the device; you say ‘ok glass’ to get a range of options including taking pictures, videos, send messages using speech to text, ‘hang out’ with people or get directions to somewhere. You access these options by saying them out loud.

Most of this functionality is self explanatory; hang out is Google’s video conferencing technology and allows you to talk to a people over web cam, and stream them what you are seeing and the directions use Google Maps and the inbuilt GPS to help you find your way.

The results are displayed on the prism – essentially putting data into your view like a head up display (HUD). It’s potentially incredibly handy. Also rather nifty is the potential for automatic voice and speech recognition – and Google has given its Glass project a big boost by snapping up specialists DNNresearch.

The applications for such a device are never-ending, from doctors and engineers working remotely out in the field diagnosing patients or repairing machinery and devices, to online learning and education, law enforcement and of course military applications.

The fact that this cool new device has come from a tech giant that ISN’T Apple, and the reality that many of the new smartphones are better and more innovative than the current Apple offering of late, may suggest that the death knell for Apple is tolling. One thing is for sure though….the maps function on these bad boys will DEFINITELY not get you lost!

The only thing I am doubting is the ability to stream live video from an aerobatic plane, as depicted in the video. That, for now, is still pie in the sky.

Google Glass

Apple Whores = Suckers

Jimmy Kimmel must have been reading my mind, especially the thought I had about those tossers who camp out overnight for the latest and greatest iteration of iWotsit that’s just been launched by Apple.

For me, the only thing of Apple that I own is my 6th generation iPod, simply because of its capacity….nothing more. And I certainly refuse to use iTunes to load it with my music, what a clunky piece of crap software THAT is!! And I still refuse to buy an iPad for myself.

Apple Parodied

With all the Apple Whores salivating during the launch of the very mundane, uninspiring and, quiet frankly BORING new iPhone 5, I thought those of us who are much more grounded and who don’t take ourselves as seriously might enjoy this little nugget. If you stuck an Apple logo on it, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a 10 kilometre queue of Apple Whores waiting to get their very first nail clippers!!

And to remind yourself of all the usual unabashed self-promotional video’s Apple loves to create when they roll out something new. It seems that if anything, Apple has morphed from being an leader of innovation into nothing more than a marketing mogul trading on a brand…..a brand that was built on “the next big thing” and taking risks, rather than playing it safe.

There’s nothing cool about anything Apple these days, just more of the same. And with the technological inequivalent of Britains ex-Prime Minister, John Major, at the helm it seems that that’s all the Apple Whores have to look forward to from Apple’s CEO Mr. Tim “Dull and Boring” Cook.

If making something taller and being anally retentive enough to get a hard-on over how shiny a bevelled edge is what rocks your boat, then you need to get out more.

For me, I’ll stick with my wonderful Samsung Galaxy S3…..which is still light years ahead of iPhone 5

Samsung Galaxy S III – How D’ya Like Them Apple Whores?

At a press event in London on Thursday that it described as an “unpacking,” Samsung indeed rolled out an impressive array of hardware and software enhancements that the company hopes will help it retain its ranking as the top cellphone-maker in the world.

The biggest feature (literally) most consumers will notice is a stunning 4.8-inch Super AMOLED screen. That’s about a half-inch larger than Samsung’s Galaxy S II, and significantly bigger than the 3.5-inch high-resolution display on the Apple iPhone 4S. Despite the large screen, the S III actually is a bit thinner than the iPhone 4S (8.6mm vs. 9.33mm) and is slightly lighter as well (133 grams vs. 140 grams).

Besides the screen, consumers are likely to be most interested in the Galaxy S III’s operating system and whether it is closing in on Apple’s iOS, which has been widely considered the market leader since the iPhone was introduced in 2007. The Galaxy S III will run the so-called Ice Cream Sandwich version of Google’s Android OS (version 4.0). But it’s the features that Samsung has built on top of the OS to address some common cell phone complaints that could help chip away at Apple’s mindshare lead. For example:

“Smart stay” is intended to solve a problem every phone user has encountered: the screen dimming when you want it to stay on, such as when sharing an email with a friend. Just as you hand them the phone and say, “Check this out,” the screen dims as part of its power-saving routine. Making matters worse, getting back to that email also requires entering a password to unlock the screen. With “smart stay,” the new Galaxy phone uses the front-facing camera to detect if someone is looking at the screen. If it sees a face, the screen won’t dim.

Samsung also touted “S Voice,” which it described as being a cut above the current state of the art in voice recognition and response technology.

During a demonstration, Samsung showed how someone driving a car could operate the phone without taking their eyes off the road. Saying “Hi Galaxy” puts the phone into a mode to recognize voice commands. From there, the user can ask, “How’s the weather?” or say, “Take a picture.” (Of course, you’ll need to look at the screen to see the forecast or take a picture.)

Anyone who has caught themselves in a lengthy texting conversation and thought, “This is ridiculous, I’m just going to call you,” will appreciate what Samsung calls “direct call.” While texting, if you raise the phone to your ear, it will automatically dial the person you are texting with.

“Smart alerts” are intended to help cut down on unnoticed calls from important people in your contact list. If you leave your phone on your desk and miss a call from your boss or wife, when you return and pick up the phone to put it into your pocket, it will vibrate and display the missed calls.

“S Beam” lets you tap phones with another Galaxy S III owner to easily transfer files or documents.

“Pop up play” lets the user watch a video while surfing the Web or answering email. The video simply becomes a small box that overlays on any other apps that are running, like picture-in-picture on a TV.

As for the 8-megapixel camera, Samsung made several enhancements:

Zero lag from the time you tap the screen to the capture of the image.
The ability to take a photo and be ready to take another in less than 1 second
A burst mode that captures 3.3 photos per second
The ability to capture still photos while recording HD video (very handy if you’ve ever tried to capture a child blowing out birthday candles and can’t decide between a still photo and a video).

There are also some nifty software tricks that extend how those photos can be used. If you take a burst of photos, the phone will recommend the one it thinks is the best quality so you can discard the others. And if that picture is a group photo that includes people in your address book, the phone can recognize their faces and offer to send them a copy of the image.

For hard-core phone geeks, here are some other Galaxy S III specs: The screen is 1,280 by 720 pixels, it has HSPA+ connectivity, the removable battery is 2,100mAh, and it’s packed with a quad-core Exynos processor.

The phone will come in blue or white and in three memory sizes (16GB, 32GB and 64GB), with the ability to add memory via a microSD card.

The company did not announce pricing, but its top-end phones typically run $200 to $250, with the signing of a two-year contract. The 32GB and 64GB versions would likely cost more. The Galaxy S III goes on sale in Europe at the end of May and in the U.S. in June.

 

If Apple Made Water

For all you Apple-whores out there 🙂 A cool refreshment made for those willing to suspend all logic and pay the price for Apple’s lavish attention to quality and design.

I love the lines – “If you’ve been drinking the juice, you’re ready to drink the water,” and “Literally twice as many hydrogen atoms as there are oxygen atoms” 🙂

But buyer beware – by breaking the seal, you accept a User Agreement that prohibits refilling the container with tap water, spring water or any unauthorized third-party water.